Wanting Someone You Cannot Have

The chase is addicting because of the ambiguity. One minute we’re confident in our decision, but the next we lose all hope. We’re aware that this situation can dissipate at any moment, but we are thrilled by the adventure.

It is in our human nature to want things we cannot have. It’s a challenge, but we hope to reap the rewards after.

Keep in mind that I’m not referring to wanting someone that doesn’t want you. This post is about wanting someone and being in a relationship with another person.

Wanting people we cannot have can be seen as a selfish endeavor. We may be seeking someone to fill a hole that actually needs to be fixed. We subconsciously believe that we need to be appreciated by another human being constantly. Therefore, if a situation does not meet our need to be wanted, we look elsewhere.

For instance, a woman that feels ugly around her partner may subconsciously seek someone that tells her she is beautiful. If we are aware of issues we can communicate with our partners instead of cowardly roaming into a new relationship.

In reality, when we are finally wanted by another person, we often wonder why it isn’t satisfying anymore. Again, there is something that needs to be fixed rather than filled.

Although the chase is exciting, we should not fall victim to foolishness. Here are ways be aware of what you actually want:

  1.  Not the right time. The components inhibiting you from being with someone could range from family to social demands. Write a list of issues that won’t allow you to be with this person.
  2. Consequences. Although love is beautiful it has several consequences. You may lose someone you care about. You may be experiencing counter-productive behavior. Again, write down all outcomes of the new romance blooming.
  3. Internal Needs. Think of what the situation prohibiting you is lacking. Maybe you want to feel wanted by someone. You could be trying to fill a hole that actually needs to be fixed. Do you actually want the person or the idea of the person? Again, the chase is more of an ego boost.
  4. Consider all of these components next time you’re about to make an impulsive decision.

The take away from this psychoanalytic approach is to understand what we actually need versus what we want. If you are interested in this topic I’d recommend reading my other post:  I Want You But I Don’t Need You

-A. Waver



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